No Simple Answers...

August 10th, 2008 - Day 34

A couple of days ago Jimmy heard me talking with my friend Erica about my experience of being here. After a time of thoughtful silence, he asked if we could talk. My partner needed to know where we stood here. He asked, “Is there anything you like about being here?”

Such a great question.

In simple terms, I don’t like it here. My experience, which to be fair is still very limited, has been filled with long lines, noise, mistakes, confusion, money/time/energy spent on things which are important but not meaningful. My language skills are not strong enough to have developed a meaningful basic understanding of the people I am living among, let alone an affection for them. I find their ways difficult to understand and to tolerate and I find that frustrating on some very basic levels. I often feel assaulted by things that repulse or offend me and I can’t control that or choose to feel differently for the moment. I find the city dirty, filthy even, and that is hard for me. It is crowded, dark (with narrow streets and very tall buildings there are places here where the sun never shines and nothing grows) and cold. I don’t mean it’s cold in terms of temperature, though we’ve had some cold days since we got here. I mean it’s cold because it’s often hard to get anyone to smile, or even look at you, or to so much as step aside if you need to pass on the sidewalk. People often stare at me openly because I look so different but when I “catch” them and smile, they seem to want me to look away first and when I don’t they just turn their heads. There is no connection in these interactions. There is no funny moment when they know they’re busted. No welcoming of a stranger in their midst. I don’t know anything about what they must be thinking or feeling and that is a lonely and strange feeling for me. The city is much more expensive than I expected it to be and adjusting to life in a third world country is a challenge on a core level. An example: I went to the Alto Palermo mall, a big mall with lots of shops, some of them American vendors like Lee Jeans (Lee Jeans?!?!). I found a coffee shop/restaurant/bar in the center where many wealthy Argentines were sitting having wine or coffee or some time with friends. It was a lovely picture of people enjoying the day and spending lots of money. Unfortunately I could not sit down and join them because the cafe was close to the bathrooms where there had been an “incident” that no one had bothered to report or clean up. “It” was simply left there and with little to no ventilation in the space the smell of raw sewage wafted through the cafe. No one paid this any mind. They are used to it apparently. I am not.

The real answer to the question though is not so simple. I am not having a lot of fun, but I am learning a lot and that means the world to me. I am learning things about myself that are hard to face. I am a judgmental and narrow minded person in many ways, spoiled, and that makes me sad. It also makes me want to grow through it. I am learning about the world too, and people. I want to develop a more open minded and broad view of people and things and situations, to paraphrase Mr. Clemens. One of my goals here is to learn to channel my skills and develop them so that I can deal more effectively with others, even when they don’t behave in the ways I have come to expect. My friend Linda, an expat here, proclaimed something I plan to take on in her wake. She said, “Even if people are rude to me, I won’t let it change me. I won’t be rude to them too. I plan to leave here the same lovely person I came as.” I’m paraphrasing, but I want that too. It’s easy to start pushing back on the street. It’s easy to start making smart remarks when someone is rude. Continuing to smile is harder. Continuing to smile is my work right now.

One thing I have enjoyed tremendously about my time here is the opportunity to meet other people who’ve moved here from abroad. Not all Americans, we make up about 1/2 of the English speaking expat community, I have met people from Canada, South Africa, England, Australia, Ireland, Scotland, Germany, Russia and so on. Some speak Spanish and some, like us, picked up and moved themselves to a strange country without even knowing how to speak the language. They are a brave and adventurous crowd with some amazing stories and I find myself thrilled at the idea of having such people in my life. The number of people who impress me in that way have always been few and far between. If you are reading this, you might be one of them. It isn’t about moving to another country either. It’s about living a life of meaning, for you, whatever that looks like.

This is a life of meaning for me. What it will all mean will continue being uncovered every day I live here, every day I live.