Sunday August 24th.
Distance from home, friends, family, community, creates a new path of learning. The isolation from all the things I once engaged with so regularly leaves me little to examine other than myself. When first arriving in a new culture it is easy to rail against the things that feel uncomfortable, like badly fitted clothing. When the culture refuses to change however, no matter how clearly the need for change seems, it becomes clear that the change must be internal. The 3 step path to serenity, change what I can/accept what I can’t/first know the difference, takes a little time to kick in for me because of that darned wisdom part. I get it, I just get it more slowly than some. My mind first wants to figure out how to effectively tell an entire city of 10,000,000 people that the way they walk down the street is rude. Once I have given the problem my full attention and exhausted every angle of changing them, only then do I realize it is I who must change. Now, the more difficult question: How?
I could train myself, as the people here (and in big cities all over the world) have done, to never look anyone in the eye, to pretend they are not there, to walk as if I am the only person on the sidewalk bullying my way through and ignoring the consequences. I've tried that by the way and there is some satisfaction to it. I could be reactive and angry. Or, I could train myself to be small and to give ground and let the city and the people unwittingly crush me and walk on by. They wouldn’t do it out of any malice. They are only bent on their own paths, moving forward in the way they’ve been taught to do. Neither is my choice. Instead, I can simply, gently, kindly, make my way through and around people without insult. Firmly, but gently. Gently. I can be so rough sometimes, especially when I feel hurt or afraid. Gently.
Yesterday I wanted to pass through the doorway of a store at the mall. There was a local woman standing in the doorway looking at the merchandise without stepping in. I excused myself but she didn’t move and didn’t respond (this is normal for women here who have learned to protect their space by acting as if they don’t see or hear anyone they don’t know). I asked again slightly louder this time to be sure she heard me and even leaned forward to ensure she could see me as well. No response. I thought about getting angry, but didn’t. I only wanted to go in the store. I didn’t want to engage in a battle wills. So I gently but firmly put my hands on her shoulders and said “Permiso por favor” softly and with a smile, looking directly into her eyes as I moved past her into the store, smiling. She stood seemingly in shock and stared at me, almost breathless. I have no idea what she was thinking or how she felt about the exchange. I don’t need to know. I only need to know that I wasn’t angry with her and I didn’t allow the situation to make me feel resentful or frustrated. I got what I wanted, I didn’t hurt anyone and I turned the situation into one that felt right for me. The two sales staffers in the store giggled and smiled after the woman left and weren’t sure what to think of me I suppose. There is a lot of that. Not knowing what to think of me. It helps me to remember that the people here are just as disconcerted by me as I am by them. It will serve me to remember that while I will cease to be disconcerted by them, they will continue to find me an enigma - other than those who know me well. Eventually I will have gotten used to this place and to the people who populate but I will always be a stranger to them. Gently Annie.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
A New Day
Wednesday 20August2008
I woke up in a dark place today, but decided not to write about that, again.
Instead, I got on with my day as best I could and am now glad I didn’t write it down, commemorating forever this day as a dark day, because it wasn’t.
A few days ago we left a note on our new neighbor’s door step. Today we met her. We bought a penthouse apartment in a very tall building. We have one neighbor, a 42 year old widowed architect, and we wanted to meet her, to talk with her about her project, to get a feel for who we’d be living next to, so we left the note.
I got a call a couple of days ago and she agreed to meet with us. We went tonight to her apartment and Leticia and her boyfriend Jose spent the evening with us, brainstorming ideas for dealing with the consortium (HOA), talking politics, discussing mutual understandings of the world and so on. At one point in the evening I mentioned my late husband and Leticia and I discovered that our husbands died exactly 4 days apart. She has a great dog, Bobo, who loved me, and loved Jimmy more. Her apartment is interesting and creative. Her boyfriend, partner, Jose, is interesting and creative too. All in all I thoroughly enjoyed the evening. Leticia is the first local, Porteno, that I could imagine being real friends with. I know there’ll be more but she’s the first. We struggled at moments with language, we lost a word here and there, but overall we understood each other on more than just a verbal plane. She is a woman I can respect. She is a woman I can see as a friend. Leticia is smart, experienced and has a life of meaning here in Buenos Aires. That makes me feel hopeful and excited to be here with her, to be her neighbor.
A Bikram yoga teacher from New York came to visit my class today. She took class, brought a friend and will be teaching tomorrow. She has been teaching for several years, her husband for more, and she gave me a lot of good feedback about my class. There is a reason this matters so much to me. Being here alone is a hard thing sometimes. I am alone often as a woman. Tonight I made a connection there. I am alone as a yoga teacher. Today I made a connection there. I am never completely alone because Jimmy is here, but even for him this new place can be lonely. We have mostly each other, and, I am finding that when meet someone we connect with we are hungry for connection with someone other than our partner. We’ve had so much meaningful and amazing time together in the last few months, and, it feels really good to connect with someone new, someone else. Tonight I enjoyed being with Leticia. I enjoyed, almost as much, looking over and seeing my partner talking animatedly with his new friend. All those weeks ago as I sat on the floor of our apartment crying and wondering if I would ever fit in here, I didn’t have this night to to add to my experience of what living here will be like.
Every day is a new day in Buenos Aires, every afternoon is a new day, every evening...
I woke up in a dark place today, but decided not to write about that, again.
Instead, I got on with my day as best I could and am now glad I didn’t write it down, commemorating forever this day as a dark day, because it wasn’t.
A few days ago we left a note on our new neighbor’s door step. Today we met her. We bought a penthouse apartment in a very tall building. We have one neighbor, a 42 year old widowed architect, and we wanted to meet her, to talk with her about her project, to get a feel for who we’d be living next to, so we left the note.
I got a call a couple of days ago and she agreed to meet with us. We went tonight to her apartment and Leticia and her boyfriend Jose spent the evening with us, brainstorming ideas for dealing with the consortium (HOA), talking politics, discussing mutual understandings of the world and so on. At one point in the evening I mentioned my late husband and Leticia and I discovered that our husbands died exactly 4 days apart. She has a great dog, Bobo, who loved me, and loved Jimmy more. Her apartment is interesting and creative. Her boyfriend, partner, Jose, is interesting and creative too. All in all I thoroughly enjoyed the evening. Leticia is the first local, Porteno, that I could imagine being real friends with. I know there’ll be more but she’s the first. We struggled at moments with language, we lost a word here and there, but overall we understood each other on more than just a verbal plane. She is a woman I can respect. She is a woman I can see as a friend. Leticia is smart, experienced and has a life of meaning here in Buenos Aires. That makes me feel hopeful and excited to be here with her, to be her neighbor.
A Bikram yoga teacher from New York came to visit my class today. She took class, brought a friend and will be teaching tomorrow. She has been teaching for several years, her husband for more, and she gave me a lot of good feedback about my class. There is a reason this matters so much to me. Being here alone is a hard thing sometimes. I am alone often as a woman. Tonight I made a connection there. I am alone as a yoga teacher. Today I made a connection there. I am never completely alone because Jimmy is here, but even for him this new place can be lonely. We have mostly each other, and, I am finding that when meet someone we connect with we are hungry for connection with someone other than our partner. We’ve had so much meaningful and amazing time together in the last few months, and, it feels really good to connect with someone new, someone else. Tonight I enjoyed being with Leticia. I enjoyed, almost as much, looking over and seeing my partner talking animatedly with his new friend. All those weeks ago as I sat on the floor of our apartment crying and wondering if I would ever fit in here, I didn’t have this night to to add to my experience of what living here will be like.
Every day is a new day in Buenos Aires, every afternoon is a new day, every evening...
Friday, August 15, 2008
A List
Favorite Moments in BsAs
Successfully baking my first empanadas (like hot pockets, but made fresh at home and smaller) and watching Jimmy pound them with a glass of milk
Buying a house with Jimmy
My first yoga class
A long walk on the streets at night with my friend Linda and her dog
Finding something at the grocery store I thought we couldn’t get here
Dancing around the living room with Jimmy
Learning a new phrase from a subte (subway) advertisement
Sitting and discussing world politics with our lawyer
The day I got my residency (that was way back on day 11)
Shopping for stuff our house all afternoon and having no sales people talk to us
My friend Philip
Watching people stare in the window when I teach yoga class and knowing they are wondering about it and talking about it
Making papier mache masks with Jimmy for "an informal masked ball" at a bar
Having my first Argentine in class, he bought a class card, he's coming back
Figuring out how and where to get a good facial wax cheap
Batitos con Choclo Crema (sweet potatoes with creamed corn) MMMMM
Talking with the chef at a gourmet restaurant about cooking here
Getting her to make me a list of the names of important things for the kitchen
Being in the newspaper after only 6 weeks in town
Making my first A$R250 (U$S82)
Spending that money on groceries
The first time I smiled at a local and she smiled back
Successfully baking my first empanadas (like hot pockets, but made fresh at home and smaller) and watching Jimmy pound them with a glass of milk
Buying a house with Jimmy
My first yoga class
A long walk on the streets at night with my friend Linda and her dog
Finding something at the grocery store I thought we couldn’t get here
Dancing around the living room with Jimmy
Learning a new phrase from a subte (subway) advertisement
Sitting and discussing world politics with our lawyer
The day I got my residency (that was way back on day 11)
Shopping for stuff our house all afternoon and having no sales people talk to us
My friend Philip
Watching people stare in the window when I teach yoga class and knowing they are wondering about it and talking about it
Making papier mache masks with Jimmy for "an informal masked ball" at a bar
Having my first Argentine in class, he bought a class card, he's coming back
Figuring out how and where to get a good facial wax cheap
Batitos con Choclo Crema (sweet potatoes with creamed corn) MMMMM
Talking with the chef at a gourmet restaurant about cooking here
Getting her to make me a list of the names of important things for the kitchen
Being in the newspaper after only 6 weeks in town
Making my first A$R250 (U$S82)
Spending that money on groceries
The first time I smiled at a local and she smiled back
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Putting Down Roots
Wednesday August 13th, 2008
We bought a house today. We’ve been buying the house for a long time, step by step, but today I gave them a big enough chunk of money that they gave me keys. We met in the afternoon with some architects and they were almost as excited about our view and doing the project than we were, and we’re pretty excited. Jimmy took these pictures a few weeks ago. We introduced ourselves to the doorman and some of the neighbors today and started to get to know our building. Nice people. They all seem fascinated by us. We are by them, that’s for sure. I’m smiling as I head up to bed...
Sunday, August 10, 2008
No Simple Answers...
August 10th, 2008 - Day 34
A couple of days ago Jimmy heard me talking with my friend Erica about my experience of being here. After a time of thoughtful silence, he asked if we could talk. My partner needed to know where we stood here. He asked, “Is there anything you like about being here?”
Such a great question.
In simple terms, I don’t like it here. My experience, which to be fair is still very limited, has been filled with long lines, noise, mistakes, confusion, money/time/energy spent on things which are important but not meaningful. My language skills are not strong enough to have developed a meaningful basic understanding of the people I am living among, let alone an affection for them. I find their ways difficult to understand and to tolerate and I find that frustrating on some very basic levels. I often feel assaulted by things that repulse or offend me and I can’t control that or choose to feel differently for the moment. I find the city dirty, filthy even, and that is hard for me. It is crowded, dark (with narrow streets and very tall buildings there are places here where the sun never shines and nothing grows) and cold. I don’t mean it’s cold in terms of temperature, though we’ve had some cold days since we got here. I mean it’s cold because it’s often hard to get anyone to smile, or even look at you, or to so much as step aside if you need to pass on the sidewalk. People often stare at me openly because I look so different but when I “catch” them and smile, they seem to want me to look away first and when I don’t they just turn their heads. There is no connection in these interactions. There is no funny moment when they know they’re busted. No welcoming of a stranger in their midst. I don’t know anything about what they must be thinking or feeling and that is a lonely and strange feeling for me. The city is much more expensive than I expected it to be and adjusting to life in a third world country is a challenge on a core level. An example: I went to the Alto Palermo mall, a big mall with lots of shops, some of them American vendors like Lee Jeans (Lee Jeans?!?!). I found a coffee shop/restaurant/bar in the center where many wealthy Argentines were sitting having wine or coffee or some time with friends. It was a lovely picture of people enjoying the day and spending lots of money. Unfortunately I could not sit down and join them because the cafe was close to the bathrooms where there had been an “incident” that no one had bothered to report or clean up. “It” was simply left there and with little to no ventilation in the space the smell of raw sewage wafted through the cafe. No one paid this any mind. They are used to it apparently. I am not.
The real answer to the question though is not so simple. I am not having a lot of fun, but I am learning a lot and that means the world to me. I am learning things about myself that are hard to face. I am a judgmental and narrow minded person in many ways, spoiled, and that makes me sad. It also makes me want to grow through it. I am learning about the world too, and people. I want to develop a more open minded and broad view of people and things and situations, to paraphrase Mr. Clemens. One of my goals here is to learn to channel my skills and develop them so that I can deal more effectively with others, even when they don’t behave in the ways I have come to expect. My friend Linda, an expat here, proclaimed something I plan to take on in her wake. She said, “Even if people are rude to me, I won’t let it change me. I won’t be rude to them too. I plan to leave here the same lovely person I came as.” I’m paraphrasing, but I want that too. It’s easy to start pushing back on the street. It’s easy to start making smart remarks when someone is rude. Continuing to smile is harder. Continuing to smile is my work right now.
One thing I have enjoyed tremendously about my time here is the opportunity to meet other people who’ve moved here from abroad. Not all Americans, we make up about 1/2 of the English speaking expat community, I have met people from Canada, South Africa, England, Australia, Ireland, Scotland, Germany, Russia and so on. Some speak Spanish and some, like us, picked up and moved themselves to a strange country without even knowing how to speak the language. They are a brave and adventurous crowd with some amazing stories and I find myself thrilled at the idea of having such people in my life. The number of people who impress me in that way have always been few and far between. If you are reading this, you might be one of them. It isn’t about moving to another country either. It’s about living a life of meaning, for you, whatever that looks like.
This is a life of meaning for me. What it will all mean will continue being uncovered every day I live here, every day I live.
A couple of days ago Jimmy heard me talking with my friend Erica about my experience of being here. After a time of thoughtful silence, he asked if we could talk. My partner needed to know where we stood here. He asked, “Is there anything you like about being here?”
Such a great question.
In simple terms, I don’t like it here. My experience, which to be fair is still very limited, has been filled with long lines, noise, mistakes, confusion, money/time/energy spent on things which are important but not meaningful. My language skills are not strong enough to have developed a meaningful basic understanding of the people I am living among, let alone an affection for them. I find their ways difficult to understand and to tolerate and I find that frustrating on some very basic levels. I often feel assaulted by things that repulse or offend me and I can’t control that or choose to feel differently for the moment. I find the city dirty, filthy even, and that is hard for me. It is crowded, dark (with narrow streets and very tall buildings there are places here where the sun never shines and nothing grows) and cold. I don’t mean it’s cold in terms of temperature, though we’ve had some cold days since we got here. I mean it’s cold because it’s often hard to get anyone to smile, or even look at you, or to so much as step aside if you need to pass on the sidewalk. People often stare at me openly because I look so different but when I “catch” them and smile, they seem to want me to look away first and when I don’t they just turn their heads. There is no connection in these interactions. There is no funny moment when they know they’re busted. No welcoming of a stranger in their midst. I don’t know anything about what they must be thinking or feeling and that is a lonely and strange feeling for me. The city is much more expensive than I expected it to be and adjusting to life in a third world country is a challenge on a core level. An example: I went to the Alto Palermo mall, a big mall with lots of shops, some of them American vendors like Lee Jeans (Lee Jeans?!?!). I found a coffee shop/restaurant/bar in the center where many wealthy Argentines were sitting having wine or coffee or some time with friends. It was a lovely picture of people enjoying the day and spending lots of money. Unfortunately I could not sit down and join them because the cafe was close to the bathrooms where there had been an “incident” that no one had bothered to report or clean up. “It” was simply left there and with little to no ventilation in the space the smell of raw sewage wafted through the cafe. No one paid this any mind. They are used to it apparently. I am not.
The real answer to the question though is not so simple. I am not having a lot of fun, but I am learning a lot and that means the world to me. I am learning things about myself that are hard to face. I am a judgmental and narrow minded person in many ways, spoiled, and that makes me sad. It also makes me want to grow through it. I am learning about the world too, and people. I want to develop a more open minded and broad view of people and things and situations, to paraphrase Mr. Clemens. One of my goals here is to learn to channel my skills and develop them so that I can deal more effectively with others, even when they don’t behave in the ways I have come to expect. My friend Linda, an expat here, proclaimed something I plan to take on in her wake. She said, “Even if people are rude to me, I won’t let it change me. I won’t be rude to them too. I plan to leave here the same lovely person I came as.” I’m paraphrasing, but I want that too. It’s easy to start pushing back on the street. It’s easy to start making smart remarks when someone is rude. Continuing to smile is harder. Continuing to smile is my work right now.
One thing I have enjoyed tremendously about my time here is the opportunity to meet other people who’ve moved here from abroad. Not all Americans, we make up about 1/2 of the English speaking expat community, I have met people from Canada, South Africa, England, Australia, Ireland, Scotland, Germany, Russia and so on. Some speak Spanish and some, like us, picked up and moved themselves to a strange country without even knowing how to speak the language. They are a brave and adventurous crowd with some amazing stories and I find myself thrilled at the idea of having such people in my life. The number of people who impress me in that way have always been few and far between. If you are reading this, you might be one of them. It isn’t about moving to another country either. It’s about living a life of meaning, for you, whatever that looks like.
This is a life of meaning for me. What it will all mean will continue being uncovered every day I live here, every day I live.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Creature Comforts~
August 4th, Monday, 9:00 pm
Jimmy and I saw our things head away from San Diego in a cargo container on the 21st of May. This morning we saw them again. Our belongings went from San Diego to Long Beach on the back of a truck, then Long Beach to Buenos Aires via points south and through the Panama Canal. They arrived in Buenos Aires a couple of days before we did and were then held hostage in customs until I could get the proper papers together to have them released. During this time they were, of course, charging me for the privilege of not having my things set free.
Yesterday the shipper's receiving agent finally got all the T’s dotted and the I’s crossed, if you know what I mean, and he picked up the container. This morning with the help of 3 Chilean immigrants with whom we felt a powerful affinity we opened many of our boxes and picked out a few things we really wanted. The rest was put away until our apartment is ready, likely about 2-3 months.
We couldn’t find a few things we wanted but Jimmy got most of his art supplies so he can work, I got most of my clothes and all of my shoes. I know, of all the things I could have dug out of my household good and worldly belongings, shoes. Well, you have no idea, unless you do, how sick I am of wearing the same stupid shoes. I brought 7 pair and you’d think that would be enough. Nope. It only made it worse. Between the missing pieces of the outfit or the changing weather, we went from Summer to Winter in 12 hours, I ended up just defaulting to jeans and sneakers most of the time. Tomorrow I am going to get dressed to go to a party and I will be able to wear anything I want. I am so excited!
I didn’t decide to grab any kitchen stuff. I wanted to. But the kitchen is so small that even though we only buy what we can carry, we usually have to struggle to find a place to put groceries. If I brought a bunch of gear home I would have no place to put it. No, this is my time to make do in the average Argentine kitchen, tiny and ill equipped by American standards. Later, when I’ve designed my own space, I’ll unpack my things and make a meal with all my best tricks. For now, we’re not starving. I’m learning things about how creative I am by making good meals with what I have or can find and learning to adjust for what I can’t. Soon, I may even start to venture into new territory.
Jimmy and I found our movie case. It’s got more than 100 movies in it. He found his big monitor too so now we can watch movies. It almost feels like home.
Jimmy and I saw our things head away from San Diego in a cargo container on the 21st of May. This morning we saw them again. Our belongings went from San Diego to Long Beach on the back of a truck, then Long Beach to Buenos Aires via points south and through the Panama Canal. They arrived in Buenos Aires a couple of days before we did and were then held hostage in customs until I could get the proper papers together to have them released. During this time they were, of course, charging me for the privilege of not having my things set free.
Yesterday the shipper's receiving agent finally got all the T’s dotted and the I’s crossed, if you know what I mean, and he picked up the container. This morning with the help of 3 Chilean immigrants with whom we felt a powerful affinity we opened many of our boxes and picked out a few things we really wanted. The rest was put away until our apartment is ready, likely about 2-3 months.
We couldn’t find a few things we wanted but Jimmy got most of his art supplies so he can work, I got most of my clothes and all of my shoes. I know, of all the things I could have dug out of my household good and worldly belongings, shoes. Well, you have no idea, unless you do, how sick I am of wearing the same stupid shoes. I brought 7 pair and you’d think that would be enough. Nope. It only made it worse. Between the missing pieces of the outfit or the changing weather, we went from Summer to Winter in 12 hours, I ended up just defaulting to jeans and sneakers most of the time. Tomorrow I am going to get dressed to go to a party and I will be able to wear anything I want. I am so excited!
I didn’t decide to grab any kitchen stuff. I wanted to. But the kitchen is so small that even though we only buy what we can carry, we usually have to struggle to find a place to put groceries. If I brought a bunch of gear home I would have no place to put it. No, this is my time to make do in the average Argentine kitchen, tiny and ill equipped by American standards. Later, when I’ve designed my own space, I’ll unpack my things and make a meal with all my best tricks. For now, we’re not starving. I’m learning things about how creative I am by making good meals with what I have or can find and learning to adjust for what I can’t. Soon, I may even start to venture into new territory.
Jimmy and I found our movie case. It’s got more than 100 movies in it. He found his big monitor too so now we can watch movies. It almost feels like home.
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